Passing Ships

Over the last week I have been interviewing for a teaching job in China, starting in August. I got really excited about the idea and applied without thinking too much about it, and when the emails and Skype interviews were happening I just went along with it. And I got the job!

Sounds like I have a thrilling adventure ahead, but alas, I had to turn in down. Of course. Because you can’t go around having psychotic episodes in China, ending up in Chinese hospitals with Chinese psychiatrists. My mum can’t fly to China in order to be by my side like she flew to London last autumn.

So I sent an email off today, turning them down and explaining that I was terribly sorry to have wasted their time but unfortunately it wasn’t quite right for me. It was pretty sad but oh well. I’m used to it. Since I got sick I’ve done nothing but let go of opportunities. Sweden, England, China, Germany, Spain, America. All passing ships.

But I’m learning to be okay with it. Accepting that for a time my life has to be slow and boring.

One of my psychiatrists told me a story about the lobster. At one point the lobster grew too big for its shell, and the shell had to break. It was very painful and the lobster felt very vulnerable for some time. So while it was growing out its new and stronger shell it had to find a safe place to hide. And that’s what the lobster did, it found a place in which it was protected and lay low until the new shell was fully grown, before emerging back into the great big sea and continuing to live its happy lobster days.

And that’s what my psychiatrist says I need to do. Lay low until my new shell has grown. It’s terribly boring but I’m doing it as best I can.

I’ll look on the bright side, which is that at least now I know I have the option of going on exciting adventures if I get well enough. I got the job after all, and hopefully these kind of opportunities will still be there in a while.

5 thoughts on “Passing Ships

  1. Grizzly Man says:

    Hey πŸ™‚
    I chose a few posts at random and I really enjoyed everything I wrote.
    This one in particular: I have also had quite a lot of “passing ships” these past few years and I’m learning some acceptance and to embrace my recovery.
    The lobster analogy is a beautiful sentiment.
    Thank you for speaking so openly about your struggles and illness. I’m new to blogs and a bit rubbish with technology and so it’s great to find all these other voices.
    Good luck with it all.
    Peace and love xx


    • hannahgreenexx says:

      Hi Grizzly Man! Thanks for such a nice comment! I really appreciate it. Your blog looks like it’s on its way to becoming a great read – welcome to the blogging and technology community. And thanks for the tip about Elefriends, I’m about to set up a “resources” page, and that’ll be great for it.
      Hannah xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Grizzly Man says:

        Thank you Hannah πŸ™‚
        That’s a great idea with the “resources” section, thank you for sharing your experiences and helping others understand mental illness. Every voice matters.
        Peace and love xx

        Liked by 1 person

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