Over the last week I have been interviewing for a teaching job in China, starting in August. I got really excited about the idea and applied without thinking too much about it, and when the emails and Skype interviews were happening I just went along with it. And I got the job!
Sounds like I have a thrilling adventure ahead, but alas, I had to turn in down. Of course. Because you can’t go around having psychotic episodes in China, ending up in Chinese hospitals with Chinese psychiatrists. My mum can’t fly to China in order to be by my side like she flew to London last autumn.
So I sent an email off today, turning them down and explaining that I was terribly sorry to have wasted their time but unfortunately it wasn’t quite right for me. It was pretty sad but oh well. I’m used to it. Since I got sick I’ve done nothing but let go of opportunities. Sweden, England, China, Germany, Spain, America. All passing ships.
But I’m learning to be okay with it. Accepting that for a time my life has to be slow and boring.
One of my psychiatrists told me a story about the lobster. At one point the lobster grew too big for its shell, and the shell had to break. It was very painful and the lobster felt very vulnerable for some time. So while it was growing out its new and stronger shell it had to find a safe place to hide. And that’s what the lobster did, it found a place in which it was protected and lay low until the new shell was fully grown, before emerging back into the great big sea and continuing to live its happy lobster days.
And that’s what my psychiatrist says I need to do. Lay low until my new shell has grown. It’s terribly boring but I’m doing it as best I can.
I’ll look on the bright side, which is that at least now I know I have the option of going on exciting adventures if I get well enough. I got the job after all, and hopefully these kind of opportunities will still be there in a while.